CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Great Expectations
The crumbling of the 1960s model of suburban domestic bliss;
the creation of new, equally unworkable relationship models;
open, uncommitted relationships; the 50/50 marriage

Chapter 2: The New Reality
How the new reality is much like the old reality; why “having it all”
usually means “having to do it all”; why the domestic double standard persists; how women tend to perpetuate the double standard

Chapter 3: Planned Parenthood
The importance of early marriage experiences; setting a “we’re-in- this-together” precedent; why parenthood must be a conscious choice; planning a blessed event

Chapter 4: Housework, the Great Equalizer
Why everyone who lives in a house should share the housework; how to schedule housework for maximum benefit; compromising on standards; hiring housework

Chapter 5: Setting the Kids Straight
Playing house in a low-risk setting; it’s all in the communication; gender doesn’t count in housework; learning to live within a budget; you value what you pay for; making choices as a family

Chapter 6: What No One Ever Tells You in Lamaze Class
The reality of a new baby; how motherhood differs from fatherhood; how to handle isolation and fatigue; spacing children; school/parent relations; extracurricular activities

Chapter 7: Hiring and Employer
The penalties for motherhood in the work place; creating your own job; pros and cons of working at home; selecting a job that meets more than your financial needs; taking advantage of available options

Chapter 8: Dealing with Life’s Little Nuisances
Picking your battles; defeating the DDS outside the home; unconventional approaches to conventional domestic problems; friends and other well-meaning nuisances; learning to say “no”; escape hatches

Chapter 9: Tribal Customs
How to make holidays bearable; simplifying birthdays; coping with customs in the extended family

Chapter 10: A Question of Time
Time management for the long and short terms; coping strategies that work

Chapter 11: Redefining Success
New ways of thinking about success; setting new goals as a couple and as a family; creative alternatives to traditional patterns

Chapter 12: Having It All (Revisited)
What “having it all” means today; creating a new definition for the future

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Women like me, who began our careers in the late 1960s and are now looking forward to retirement, were encouraged in the first stage of the women’s movement to “have it all”—to combine marital, maternal, and career responsibilities into one manageable, even enjoyable, lifestyle. So how are we women doing thirty-five years later? Well, we’re still working on it.

For the vast majority of today’s working women, from Paula Zahn to Paula Abdul, “having it all” might more accurately be characterized as “having to do it all.” Despite the good intentions of a husband or significant other, it is rare that domestic responsibilities are actually shared equally. With the best will in the world, he pitches in on the home front only when his job allows, while she is expected to do domestic duty whether it’s convenient or not. This is often to the detriment of her career, to which her employer expects her to give the same time, energy and commitment as her less encumbered male counterparts.

Shared responsibility within the home is the ideal, but it is rarely the reality. The school or day-care center is willing to call Dad when little Johnny is running a fever, but chances are, they’ll call Mom first. If the house is filmed with dust and the laundry bin is overflowing, it is she who is perceived to be slovenly, not he. If he fixes breakfast for the family on Sunday morning, he’s a hero, but if the eggs aren’t scrambled punctually Monday through Saturday, she’s a slacker. He’s a model father if he takes Junior to the once-a-month Cub Scout pack meeting, but she’s falling down on the job if the boy doesn’t appear at weekly den meetings on time, with the right change for dues, in a clean uniform, and with every blessed badge and arrow sewn—by her—in place.

Plainly put, the woman of the house is never off the hook. While we have made wonderful progress in the employment arena, the double standard clearly lives on in the domestic areas of our lives. So how is today’s working woman coping?

Within these pages, the reality of this is explored through the experiences of dozens of working wives and mothers who represent a broad spectrum of ages, income brackets, educational backgrounds, and job categories. As we continue to make progress toward abolishing the domestic double standard in future generations, they have devised practical strategies for coping with it in the present.

These loving and intelligent women illustrate by example how they manage to enjoy their complicated, but rewarding, lives against all odds. Instead of being preached at by so-called experts, you will be welcomed into a circle of your peers who have “been there”—indeed, who still are there—and who have invented specific, positive techniques for dealing with multiple roles.

It is my hope that you will feel as though you have encountered dozens of new friends from whom you will gain both practical tips and moral support as you accept the baton from those of us who were there at the beginning of the women’s movement. We’re counting on you to continue working on this issue in the years ahead with strength, humor, and a lot of love.
Judith K. Ivie